You know the kind of night I’m talking about. A conversation about the weather or dinner or an upcoming vacation with your partner goes awry. Maybe you’re struggling with something–anxiety or your own self-confidence–and your voice has an edge to it. Or your partner is feeling low–they’re unhappy at their job and the holidays are getting to them. They over-react or under-react to your opinions, comments or anecdotes. You both resort to your least effective communication fallbacks: complaining while pretending to “help,” eyes glazing over while pretending to “listen.”
Or it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and you’re lying in bed with your spouse. You’re both fuming. From your perspective, your spouse is the problem. From their perspective, you are. If only he/she would finally let whatever it is you’re arguing about go, one of you thinks. If only he/she would apologize, or see my point, the other one of you thinks. But neither of you is able to budge from your spot and allow a truce to unfold.
If you’re single, your DNOTS might take a different form. Something went wrong in your day or week and you’re feeling shut down, sad, lonely, hurt, or angry. Your mind turns into an evil slot-machine, spitting out a seemingly endless supply of painful memories. In this moment, it feels like there’s no hope. You’re convinced of the worst: nobody likes you, you’ll never overcome the obstacles you’re currently facing in your professional and personal life, you’ll never experience real love or happiness.
Whatever your emotional cul de sac, if it feels like there’s no way out, you may want to try this DNOTS strategy:
- Literally and figuratively turn away from the apparent outer cause of your distress.Stop focusing on it. Instead, turn your attention inward. Try closing your eyes and saying something to yourself like, “For now, I give up trying to change my partner and/or the outside world.”
- Identify your feelings in this moment, noticing where they’re most present or evident in your body. Examples of feelings people often experience in darknots are: vulnerable, sad, angry, fearful, helpless, lonely, ashamed, inadequate.
- Place a hand on the place where the feeling is strongest (the chest, abdomen, and face/head are common feeling matrixes). Visualize the feeling(s) as something you could tenderly hold: a child, an animal, or something else alive but imaginary (such as a colored ball of energy).
- Transmit your approval and acceptance of the feeling(s), in this visualized form, through the hand that’s pressed to your body. You might say to yourself, “I see you, loneliness. I’m here. I see the pain of this situation. I’m willing to be present with you right now and pay attention to you rather, than ignore you or avoid you.”
Take your time with each step of this process. Cycle through it as many times as needed. Notice the shifts you experience physically and/or emotionally.
