Being Spontaneous
When you trust yourself enough to be spontaneous, you’re fostering more excitement and anticipation in your life. Opening up to the experience of peak moments without an agenda may raise your anxiety level but it can also enliven you. There’s a generative vulnerability, a sense of anything-can-happen-ness that electrifies our experiences when we put ourselves in situations that are out of the ordinary. As kids, this open attitude is more accessible: it comes with the territory of play. As adults, within couple-hood, protective layers of tasks and responsibilities make it harder to create the space and time we need to play and take mini, enlivening risks.
Noticing When Something’s Off
Recently, I admitted to my husband, “Things are good, but I feel off. Something’s missing.” As it turned out, he felt the same way. When we talked about it some more, what we discovered was we’d been consumed by our routines. We hadn’t been doing anything truly new or different.
Although our routines support us in committed relationships, they also lull us into a perpetual Groundhog Day of tasks and habits. We wake up, eat breakfast, say goodbye, go to work, meet friends for lunch, reconnect in the evening, have dinner, chat, clean up, read or answer emails or check the news, go to bed. The content may look different in the details, but generally, our days contain repeat, predictable events. It’s easy to forget about our deeper needs within the routine of the relationship. We all need to explore and take risks–to color outside the lines of our comfort zones.
Couples Need Novelty
Couples need novelty as much as predictability. Many couples come to fear novelty, surprises and uncertainty, precisely because it’s unpredictable. If you’ve experienced a lot of chaos or instability in your life–particularly growing up–you may focus less on trying new things and more on maintaining the status quo. It can be easy to lose sight of the importance of exploration and a degree of healthy “risk.” Things may start to feel stale: this was the “off” feeling my husband and I had been noticing.
“Risk” Can Be An Essential Nutrient
There are times in relationships to consciously shake things up, push edges, and get out of your comfort zone. Enlivening “risk” is an essential nutrient in a relationship. It may not take much: surprising your partner with a picnic lunch, taking the weekend to drive by the seaside or catch a train somewhere you’ve never been, before. When you put in the time and energy to do something new and different with your partner, the emotional returns are often well worth the investment.
Originally published on The Good Men Project.
