Attraction is a complex process. At times, it can seem like it’s outside of our control. A common misconception about attraction is that you either get lucky and “find” someone you’re attracted to—or you don’t.
In reality, we can choose who we open up to, trust, and depend on. Contrary to popular opinion, our partner choice is a process—not a sudden, lightning-bolt experience. You can bring mindfulness to the process of developing attraction for another person and make it more conscious. You can recognize signs indicating whether or not someone you’re with has relationship-supporting tendencies.
5 Less common signs
Some common, “traditional” signs of a good partner are: they have a decent job, can take care of themselves, are socially presentable, our parents like them, etc. But there are other signs that are subtler and more nuanced.
Here are Five Signs You’re With Someone Who Has Relational Strengths
- After a fight, they circle back and apologize for having hurt you
- They regularly ask questions that indicate they were listening
- They don’t always tell you what you want to hear
- Staying connected in small ways is important to them
- Their word is good: they do what they say they’ll do
Let’s break these signs down and examine them more closely.
After a fight, they circle back and apologize for having hurt you
If the person you’re with doesn’t try to sweep things under the rug, and can also take responsibility for their missteps, you’ve probably met someone with the capacity for humility and empathy. This will serve you well as you get closer and there’s more at stake when you have conflicts.
They regularly ask questions that indicate they were listening
When someone asks you questions that show they’ve been listening to you, it may indicate that they have the capacity to step outside of themselves and put themselves in your shoes. If their listening comes with no strings attached, and it’s accompanied by genuine curiosity, you’re probably with someone who genuinely cares about you.
They don’t always tell you what you want to hear
Someone who is willing to share opinions, preferences, or news that disappoints you is worth their weight in gold. It doesn’t pay to date a person who tends to be a pleaser, doormat, or emotional manipulator. When someone can speak up and be who they are (while still being open to your influence), they’re choosing authenticity over putting on a “good show.” A partner who focuses on telling you what you want to hear now at their own expense may resent you later.
Staying connected in small ways is important to them
The ability—and desire—to stay in touch is critical in a long-lasting relationship. Keeping your finger on the pulse of a relationship takes effort, commitment, and grit. It means you do the little things every day that make you feel important to one another.
Their word is good: they do what they say they’ll do
When someone says they’ll do things and then (usually) does them, you’ve met a person you can rely on. A reliable partner creates less suffering than a partner who is hot one day and cold the next, who is present for a while and then absent without explanation, or who has a pattern of backing out of agreements with excuses and justifications.
