When we state what we need–whether it’s a little more physical distance between us and our mother-in-law or our partner to wear a face-mask in a coffee shop–boundary setting can go against what someone else appears to need at any given moment. This creates a sense of separation, even if it’s just a subtle shift of energy in the space between us and another person. Setting boundaries communicates: “I want or need something that may contradict what you want or need.”
The Challenge of Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries often requires us to make a choice that goes against the unconscious imperative to “remain attached” and “not make waves” in relationships–even if that relationship is just one of two fellow humans who don’t know each other in a doctor’s office or grocery store aisle. Developing the skill of setting boundaries in the moment, in a respectful way, speaks to our immediate need to honor our own physical and/or mental health as we move through life.
Asserting our needs with a partner or stranger can feel scary on a relational level. We’re neurologically primed to “stay safe,” and one way human beings do this is by reading and following cues that keep us “attached” to those around us. Whenever we prioritize our own individual needs and wants over the apparent needs and wants of others, it can seem like there’s a “break” in this attachment. In fact, setting boundaries allows us to be more direct in our communications with others. this clarity, even if it’s sometimes off-putting in the moment, helps others understand us and meet our needs more successfully. It’s a pre-requisite to interacting with people in our lives more authentically.
3 Boundary-Setting Principles
When setting boundaries, it can be helpful to remember these 3 principles:
- Connect with your intention. Make sure it’s a “positive” intention rather than a negative one. Eg. “I intend to stay safe” rather than “I intend to shame this person for making a poor choice.”
- Consider what part of this situation you can control. If someone refuses to respect a boundary you’ve set, their choice is outside of your control. Look at what you can control.
- Be gentle with yourself. Boundaries are tricky. Let go of situations that haven’t “worked” rather than ruminating about them or beating yourself up.
Practicing boundary-setting skills is a complex, kinesthetic art–like juggling apples while tap-dancing on a balance beam–not a static end-point.
Girl juggling photo courtesy of Pixabay; line and fence photo from Unsplash.
