Relationships exhibit a common tendency: a struggle for power. Whether we’re dealing with a boss who expects us to work overtime with minimal pay, defending our seat on a packed airplane, raising a teenager who rolls their eyes at our requests, or arguing with a spouse about who should put a new bag in the trash can, power struggles are part of life. They play out across relationships in endlessly novel ways.
Power is an invisible currency. Like actual currency, it comes in a variety of denominations and forms. It reflects our value systems. What do we prize? Beauty, money, status, age, youth, notoriety, health, emotional intelligence? Its value changes depending on the context.
Romantic relationships are the Olympics of power struggles. Initially, when we first fall in love and experience a sense of deep communion with the person we’re drawn to, we may shy away from power. We willingly relinquish or surrender our need for power in favor of connection.
But as the biochemistry of early romance wears off, power struggles reemerge. We notice inequities. Why are we “always” the one giving in? Why did he or she get to choose the restaurant, the movie, or the TV station yet again? Resentment builds. I assert my rights. You assert yours. The tug of war between yours and mine tightens, taxing the rope between us.
Power Struggles in Marriage
If there are emotional power struggles, and our partner doesn’t meet our need for closeness, we may feel helpless, powerless, and deprived. But if our partner infringes on our emotional need for space, we feel invaded, disrespected, controlled or trapped. Financial power struggles are also common. One partner earns more money and takes care of family finances. The other partner does the lion’s share of the parenting. It may happen that both partners feel that what they provide goes unremarked, undervalued.
Power struggles arise when partners continually focus on their own separateness from their partner and their marriage. On the one hand, it’s important to be separate–or what psychologists refer to as “differentiated.” Developmentally, children need to insist on their own separateness from their parents to develop a sense of self. On the other hand, teamwork is essential in any collaborative project.
Moving from “I” to “We”
When power struggles aren’t tempered by a broader vision–a sense of a larger “we”–they can be destructive. A marriage that began as a joint venture may deteriorate into aggression and animosity. Power struggles left to rage on without compassion or empathy feed the worst aspects of the human ego: the parts of us that can’t see past our own misleading sense of entitlement, privilege, victimhood, martyrdom, dominion, or grandiosity.
Divisive and polarizing power struggles unfold regularly in modern families, communities, and political arenas. How we handle power struggles reveals our ability to manage conflict for ill or good. We can use power struggles to broaden our understanding of what it means to be a responsible participant in a larger community or we can use them to justify our anger or aggression towards those who are different from us.
Technology connects and unites us globally. At the same time, our differences and our awareness of these differences divide us, at times. The news keeps us informed of conflicts near and far. We live in fear and cling to familiar ideas, beliefs and values. We think they keep us safe. Cultures clash. Seemingly irreconcilable struggles emerge. When we operate from the position of an isolated “I” rather than a more collective, inclusive “we,” it can leave us feeling threatened and vulnerable.
Marriage as a Microcosm
Marriage offer us a microcosm of what goes on in the world at large. Relationships are the smaller building blocks of communities. They’re the DNA of humanity. Two “I’s” can become a larger “we,” and still include the “I’s” within it. From competition, distrust, fear, and resentment, we can move into curiosity, understanding, and empathy. We need to shift the power struggles within our own relationships and marriages if we want to create shifts in other areas of our lives.
Power struggles need to be transformed into personal power. Relationships are the unacknowledged day-to-day crucibles–across cities, countries and the globe–where power-struggles can be transformed into personal and collective power.
