Two of the most important, guiding principles in romantic relationships can be summarized as:
- Couples who play together, stay together
- Curiosity sustains intimacy
Why is Play a Bonding Agent?
We tend to want to do more of the things that give us pleasure, make us happy, and allow us to relax. Kids know this. They naturally gravitate toward play. But as adults, we forget the importance of play. Responsibility, achievement, and staying safe become our priorities.
Play keeps things fresh. It’s the art of connecting to the moment in a way that brings you pleasure. It’s a form of living improv. You don’t know what will happen, when you play, and that’s what makes it exciting. If you watch kids in a park, they’re not just repeating the same routines they engaged in a day ago. They’re coming up with new ideas, new games, and new adventures. Play is about being open to life just because with no ulterior motives.
As adults, we risk getting tragically serious.
Ways to Play
Here are some easy ways to play with your partner:
- Dress up in each other’s clothes
- Sing karaoke
- Have a water balloon fight
- Lead each other around the house blindfolded
- Cook together
- Dance together
- Get a new board game
Can we play too much?
But what about couples who play too much? In my experience, these couples are a rarer breed than the ones who play too little. But playing too much doesn’t really work in relationships, either. Play can be a form of avoidance, a way of shirking responsibilities, commitments and difficult work. So be careful if you’re someone who is always looking for a reason to have fun or who can’t get enough of being on vacation. It may mean that you’re using play to avoid important responsibilities.
Play and work are meant to compliment each other.
If curiosity killed the cat, why is good for couples?
Curiosity allows you to learn more than you already know. It implicitly communicates humility and respect. It’s hard to be prideful and curious at the same time. Curiosity brings you into the role of a learner. It allows you to be available to whatever’s in front of you. It also lets your partner know, “I care more about the real you than I care about my theories.”
When you choose to be curious, you’re naturally more compassionate because you’re willing to set aside assumptions. Even though it can be uncomfortable NOT to know things, when you’re curious, you value the process of learning more than the state of knowing.
Ways to be Curious
- Answer one new question everyday together from my book “A Year of Us”
- Don’t settle for “How was your day?” “Fine;” Ask follow up questions
- Learn about your partner’s interests
- Participate in activities your partner enjoys doing and learn about them
- Use your senses to connect to the present moment rather than getting caught up in thoughts
