If you’re frequently “skin-hungry,” it could be a sign that an essential physical and emotional nutrient is missing from your relationship.
We all need touch, at different pressures and intensities, on different parts of our bodies, for varied lengths of time. As adults, this can be quite easy to forget. We shy away from taking responsibility for our own “touch-needs” and can end up feeding them in unconscious or unhealthy ways. Sometimes, we end up in high-touch but destructive relationships because the touch happens “naturally” and we don’t have to pursue it or take responsibility for our dependence on it. Or we might end up “using” our connection with our children as our most reliable touch-stone, so to speak, subtly burdening our kids with our own touch needs.
Tammy Nelson, author of When You’re The One Who Cheats and founder of The Integrative Sex Therapy Institute, speaks about the importance of cultivating sexual touch in your romantic partnerships as one way of feeding your own “skin-hunger.” Often, this isn’t as easy as it seems. There’s a need to recognize and overcome pleasure resistance and work through sexually limiting beliefs. She suggests creating regular sex dates. (Her lecture on this topic will be released in a CE course titled “A Step-by-Step Erotic Recovery Plan for Low-Sex & No Sex Couples” in April 2020 through the Psychotherapy Networker’s Continuing Education Catalogue.)
Plan Your Spontaneity
When couples tell Dr. Nelson they want sex to be spontaneous, she responds, “You can be as spontaneous as you want, as long as you plan it.” The idea is, something as important as touch and your erotic life can’t be left to chance–or it may languish, contributing to skin-hunger, disconnection, and a slew of other unwanted negative relational consequences. Dr. Nelson suggests that “owning” your sexual interactions with your partner–both in terms of their quality and frequency–is part of becoming an individuated, grown-up adult in a committed relationship.
If the idea of scheduling “sex dates” creates too much anxiety for you and/or your partner, try scheduling “Touch Time,” instead. Thinking of sex dates as a way of feeding your skin-hunger through touch, sensuality, kissing, and affectionate embraces can reduce your resistance to the “high stakes” connection implied by “sex dates,” along with accompanying performance pressure worries. It can provide an opportunity for both you and your partner to release expectations of one another and open up a space for a more organic, moment-to-moment sensual experience–wherever it leads.
Try scheduling one night a week with your partner where you leave all of your other roles behind and simply take time to be together, skin-to-skin.
