It’s ten o’clock at night. You’re happily married to a wonderful man you love. You brush your teeth, put on your pajamas, and crawl into a cozy Queen-size bed. Your kids are asleep in the next room. Your husband closes his book, takes off his glasses, and turns off the light, then scootches down under the comforter and drops his head back onto the pillow. You allow your thoughts to wander after a busy day…
Life is good.
And then, suddenly, it isn’t.
The movements are subtle, but you feel every shift. The sounds, barely audible, may as well emerge full-volume from a loudspeaker. You’re wide-awake. More than awake—you’re vigilant. The comforter rustles. The sheet catches on something at the foot of the bed—a toenail? Deep in the mattress, springs compress. Your husband changes position, rolling onto his side.
Although your eyes are closed, you know he’s facing you. You can hear him swallow—not a good sign. What will he say? “Are you awake?” He’ll sound casual but there is nothing casual or relaxed about the moment. It’s packed with combustible emotions: longing, anger, fear, shame.
How long has it been, this time? A few days? A week? If someone asked you, you might shrug and say, “Last weekend.” If someone asked him, he’d respond with a wry half-frown. “Can’t say, my long-term memory doesn’t go back that far.”
Maybe it has been longer than a week, but who’s counting? Well, actually, he is. Your normally absent-minded husband knows the precise number of times he’s tried to enlist your sexual cooperation this month.
You’re beginning to think he uses some kind of primitive mathematical formula to calculate his chances of sexual satisfaction on any given night, a calculus of desire levels, flirtation, and foreplay added to the square root of your humdrum daily routine, multiplied by the glimpses he’s caught of your lingerie air-drying on a rack in the shower.
He reaches out and places a hand on your shoulder. Your breath stops. Think fast. What are your options? “Yes” and resent him or “No” and argue. Which will it be? Can you muster up the willingness? Can you stand the contact, the focus on touch, moans, body parts and fluids you’d rather ignore at this point of the day, of your marriage, of your life? Which is the least undesirable of these two choices?
His fingers are warm and slightly rough on your upper arm, brushing against the fine hairs, cupping your elbow. How much time do you have before there’s no escape—no way of avoiding, yet again, the frightening reality of your mismatched sexual desire?
One of your children coughs in the next room.
“Let me check on them.” You bounce out of bed.
Your husband exhales, retracts his hand, and rolls onto his back.
Saved by the bell.
For now.
***
Does This Story of Sexual Desire Mismatch Sound Familiar?
Have you noticed that you don’t get aroused much anymore? Has your interest in sex diminished or disappeared entirely? Has this been going on for several months? If the story I just described of a sexual desire mismatch sounds familiar, keep reading; I’m talking to you.
You may be suffering from what the DSM V (the manual used to assess psychological issues) calls Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD). As it’s currently defined, FSIAD is characterized by a lack of sexual interest and/or a lack of sexual arousal for at least six months. However, to be diagnosed with this disorder, simply experiencing a lack of interest or arousal isn’t enough; you also need to be distressed by the fact that you don’t want to have sex. That said, there’s a new wave of research pointing to the cultural context and cultural scripts in which women’s low desire develops as the major contributor to this disorder, rather than anything inherent in a woman biology.
Estimates vary widely, but according to the National Journal of Sexual Medicine, roughly 1.6 million women suffer from Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder, which means roughly 1 out of 10 need help with low desire in the U.S. alone.
What Makes Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder So Pervasive and Systemic?
According to the DSM V, “women in relationships of longer duration are more likely to report engaging in sex despite no obvious feelings of sexual desire at the outset of a sexual encounter compared with women in shorter-duration relationships.” In other words, the longer you’re in relationship, the less desire you may feel for sex and the more desire mismatch you may experience in your relationship.
If you’re dating and you find yourself consistently uninterested in sex, or not particularly aroused by it, you may be able to chalk up your disinterest to a variety of plausible reasons:
- You’re not in the mood
- The guy or gal isn’t quite right for you
- You’re not feeling sexy
- It’s wintertime
- There’s stress at work, etc
Sometimes, it’s not until you have a consistent partner that the stark truth of your low sexual desire is revealed. When your partner constantly complains about your sex life and grows increasingly irritable and withdrawn, you can’t keep pretending the problem is just situational or temporary. You may need to accept the reality of what couples therapists sometimes call “desire discrepancy.”
Lack of Desire Can Be Hard To Talk About
Lack of sexual interest is an issue many women won’t openly admit to, even when it’s their daily reality. There’s often a lot at stake. Just as a man’s sexual identity and sense of competence can be tied up with his ability to pleasure his partner to orgasm and/or maintain an erection, a woman’s sense of sexual self-worth can be intricately connected with her ability to both stimulate and quench her partner’s sexual desire.
Once she loses the capacity or the drive to engage in sex with her spouse, a woman’s sense of sexual self-confidence may waver. It can feel as if she’s failing at an essential aspect of her being: loving and being loved sexually.
This lack of desire can also inspire terror. Will she lose connection to her spouse? How will this affect her marriage? Could this be a sign that there’s a problem with her marriage? Is this a prelude to something worse? What changes lie around the corner as a result of her inability to match her partner’s sexual needs with authentic sexual responses and initiatives of her own?
Finding Your Erotic Compass
When a situation isn’t working, acknowledging that there’s a challenge at hand is a key first step. Once you admit to a problem, you can begin the exploration to find solutions. This isn’t as easy as it sounds for women who struggle with low sexual interest, particularly if they struggle with communicating their reality and their desires honestly with their partner. Many of them have come to experience their own desire as beyond their control, outside their sphere of personal influence. They may fear they are the problem, outliers on the graph of normal human sexual desire, doomed to disappoint and frustrate the person they love and need the most. At this point, traditional sex therapy can be helpful for many women, either alone or with their partner.
You can contribute to your own solutions by being curious about your body, your sexuality, your desires, the spoken and unspoken contracts in your relationship, and the ideologies and assumptions related to women and women’s desire that saturate the culture. You have the power to decide to reclaim your sexual aliveness: every woman’s birthright. Once you’ve made that decision, now you have to locate your forgotten or neglected erotic compass. Dust it off, do the work necessary to allow its magnetic needle to regain its sensitivity and responsiveness, and begin to pay close attention to where your compass directs you.
If you need help reorienting your desire compass, contact me for a desire-focused couples therapy session. Together we can help you rebuild your erotic life and improve your relationship.
*Portions of this blog are excerpted from the upcoming book, SCAM: The Truth About Women’s Desire, by Alicia Muñoz.
