Notice You Feel It
Like shame, jealousy is one of those emotions many of us don’t like to admit we feel. We can be sad, angry, insecure, fearful or remorseful, and recognize it. But when someone suggests we’re jealous, it’s often harder to accept. We may have convinced ourselves that don’t need anyone or anything that much. Or we may grow defensive and judgmental at the idea that someone else has something we want, materially or emotionally. Our best friend’s red Porsche is “just a mid-life crisis thing;” the accomplishment someone shares with us “isn’t that great” or “came easy” to them; the lovers kissing on the park bench are “probably miserable.” It wounds our pride to feel jealous. It may seem like an admission of our own fundamental unworthiness.
We think we’re better than jealousy. It’s for other, possessive, insecure and tormented folks–for the Othello’s of the world. “Jealous?” our partners ask with a wry smile. We respond with a raised eyebrow, a belittling joke, or a categorical denial: “No way! Are you kidding? Of him? Of her? Why in the world would I be jealous?”
Jealousy As Camouflage
On the surface, jealousy can masquerade as irritability, disgust, anger, judgement, and hate. It’s a vulnerable emotion that cuts right to the core of our self-worth so we may use other emotions to camouflage it. Until we can open to it and make peace with it, jealousy feels like an affront from within. When we’re jealous, we’re touching a core existential fear. Jealousy points toward a reality many of us would prefer to hide, even from ourselves. We can in fact be very badly hurt. We can lose or fail. We sometimes feel incomplete, weak, or at the mercy of people and circumstances. We may fear living our only life without experiencing something we’ve always desperately longed for.
Feeling jealous, and admitting we feel it, collapses the ego’s carefully constructed facade. It’s evidence that we’re not all controlling or all powerful. We can be passed over, abandoned, and left behind by people and by life.
I Want This
But jealousy is also a portal inviting us into our full potential. It’s a way the world reminds us of something we’ve given up on that is essential to our own wholehearted, full-spectrum aliveness. It’s desire’s fraternal twin, pointing toward a part of ourselves we need to reclaim. Because it’s so strong, there’s no way to ignore it. Jealousy says, “I want this.” It says, “I care, I need, I desire, I crave.”
Feeling jealous–and knowing you feel it–can be a sign of a resilient self. Notice where you feel it in your body. Is it in your chest or jaw or the back of your neck? Do your shoulders tense? Does your abdomen feel hot and queasy? When you take the time to feel into it, jealousy may have a message for you: a raw, uncut gem hidden at its Emerald-green center.
7 Ways to Deal with Jealousy
- Notice the jealousy and feel it. Don’t try to ignore or deny it. Tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel this. I’m human!” Connect with the underlying vulnerability.
- Write down the thoughts and beliefs arising in your mind when you feel jealous. “It’s not fair” “I deserve this thing.” “He/she is so wrong/stupid/bad to be doing whatever they’re doing (that’s making me jealous).” “If I were worthy, this wouldn’t be happening.” Carefully, logically question each thought’s validity slowly, one thought at a time.
- Once you’ve felt the jealousy and challenged the thoughts, consider telling the person who triggered it (if you have a degree of trust and safety in your relationship) about your feelings without making them responsible for what you feel. It may humanize you and bring you closer.
- Identify the “message” within the current jealousy-triggering event or situation. If you’re jealous of someone’s creative success, is the jealousy saying, “Nurture your own creativity”? If you’re jealous of a pregnant woman, is the jealousy saying, “Grieve your miscarriage”? If you’re jealous of someone’s wealth, is the jealousy saying, “You’re not taking true care of yourself, you need to feel joy in your life before its too late”?
- Write your jealousy a letter letting it know the things you appreciate about it, and the ways it’s opening you up to your own full-spectrum humanity.
- Draw a line across a page and create a “jealousy time-lime” dating back to your childhood. Identify “jealousy events” or periods when you remember feeling jealous. Look for patterns and parallels. What needs were there in the past that didn’t get emotionally met? Are the things you’re jealous of now actually stand-ins for deeper emotional needs?
- Take time to consciously identify everything you have in your life right now that you appreciate: extra credit for making a list of 100 things you appreciate! When you complete your list, check in with the original feelings of jealousy, and notice what’s changed.
Originally published on Good Men Project.
