Ambivalence is a common emotional experience—far more common than our culture acknowledges or we like to admit. When someone gives you mixed signals, it’s probably a sign they’re ambivalent: about love, about closeness, about dating, about intimacy, about sex, about friendship, about trust. Ambivalence doesn’t automatically mean someone is commitment-phobic, or irresponsible, or stringing you along, or untrustworthy. It may simply mean they’re human.
To admit ambivalence makes many of us feel vulnerable. We prefer certainty, especially in the emotional realm. We want things to be clear for us and our partner: clear feelings, clear preference, clear likes and dislikes. But mixed emotions are at the core of so much of what we experience. Idiomatic expressions like, I’m of two minds, I could go either way, they want to have their cake and eat it too, she’s blowing hot and cold, he’s on the fence—all these expressions reflect the experience of mixed emotions. It’s far rarer to have unmixed emotions than mixed ones.
We Don’t notice Mixed signals…at first
In the early stages of a new relationship, people get swept up by the novelty of a new intimate connection. The initial phases of romantic love are often accompanied by an extended head rush. This is why when we begin to notice mixed signals in a new relationship, it can be jarring and confusing. Someone may text you often, talk about your future together, share a lot of personal information about themselves, invite you to share a lot with them, or demonstrate extreme attentiveness to you. Then, for no apparent reason, they may change their behavior, ghost you, avoid you for a period of time, change their tone or attitude, or act guarded with you. They may not follow up with the same frequency of contact, interest, curiosity, or attentiveness.
You can do your best to avoid giving people mixed signals by getting clear on what you want. Are you being “nice” because you’re afraid of disappointing or upsetting someone? Do you call a new friend you know has a crush on you when you’re lonely, even though you’re not interested in them? Do you connect regularly over social media with someone who you know misinterprets your messages as meaning you care about them, simply for entertainment purposes? Sometimes, being clear begins with being clear with yourself.
Mixed signals with Exes
It can be easy to give exes mixed signals because we know them and they know us. The risk of rejection may seem lower. But what if you—or they—haven’t quite processed or let go of your old relationship, and you haven’t quite moved on to a new one? Then your mixed signals foster confusion. Letting go of an old relationship means letting go of what didn’t work, but it also means letting go of what did work. Giving mixed signals when you’re clear something’s over may be a sign that you’re trying to avoid the pain of loss.
Interpreting mixed signals
Mixed signals are usually a sign that someone is struggling with an inner conflict. They’re being pulled in different directions and they’re trying to figure out how to resolve their dilemma. They may want opposed or contradictory things, such as absolute freedom and also security. If you can see mixed signals as a sign of another person’s inner struggle, you won’t take them as personally.
Everyone experiences ambivalence related to intimacy, closeness, love, sex and attraction, and sometimes these feelings come out in ways that give contradictory messages. It’s painful to be on the receiving end of mixed feelings, but more likely than not, your love, warmth, openness or availability is triggering another’s person’s ambivalence and discomfort with their own emotional vulnerability.
Photo credits: Pixabay
