When you have children, your relationship with them invariably impacts your primary relationship with your partner our spouse. This means you navigate several layers of intersecting relationships at the same time, as a parent. The good news is, many relationship skills can be repurposed into parenting skills. Your partner wants you to listen; so does your child. Clear communication helps your partner understand what you need. Similarly, clear communication can help you and your child share different perspectives on feelings, desires, situations and events and see things from more than just one point of view. Moving through difficult conversations with children is one way of giving them one of the most important experiences a human being can have: staying connected with someone you love and trust even in the midst of a disagreement.
These Couples Skills Can Be Repurposed for Parenting
Here are four important couples skills that can also be drawn upon–with minor adjustments–in your parenting:
- Active listening (reflecting back what you hear your partner say in their words)
- Taking psychological ownership (relaxing defenses and seeing your part in problems)
- Taking time-outs during reactive moments (having the self-awareness to know when you need to temporarily remove yourself from a charged situation)
- Practicing validation (seeing things from another’s point of view)
These are all relationship skills that will serve you well as a parent, if you can remember to practice them at key moments. Of course, these skills need to be exercised with the awareness that a different power dynamic exists with your child than the one you have with your partner. Also, because a child’s developmental stage impacts their degree of psychological insight, it’s not realistic or fair to expect emotional reciprocity or understanding in the same way you might from another adult as you practice these skills with a child.
With every generation, as cultural norms shift, there are new layers to parenthood, as well as new challenges. By adapting your parenting style to take your child’s psychological and emotional needs into account, you can support them in growing into being their best selves. Effective parenting requires self-reflection and a willingness to adjust and adapt–as does effective partnership.
Here are a few important relationship principles that can help with conscious parenting:
- What you experience as “protectiveness” may be a subtle form of anxiety. Learn to regulate your own anxiety so you can give your child space to be themselves and make their own discoveries. Be prepared to let go of controlling your child in everyday situations that aren’t harmful or life-threatening.
- Ultimately, you can’t shield another person from the pain of making their own mistakes. See “problems” with your child as low-stakes opportunities to support them while they learn valuable life lessons.
- Children often know and understand far more than others realize and give them credit for. Be willing to see the world through their eyes and learn from them.
- Don’t gloss over your own errors or faults. Children will still respect you–and ultimately maybe even respect you more–if you can take responsibility for your blind spots and misjudgments. When you do something wrong, don’t hide it. Apologize and show your child what accountability looks like.
- Parenting isn’t about being a friend or a boss. It’s more about being an accessible, loving coach to your kid. Investing time in identifying common recurring challenges (eg. transitions, sharing with others, or loosing gracefully) and brainstorming creative ways of dealing with problematic situations, will reinforce your alliance.
Photos from Pixabay.
